Beastie Boys
by Aretood2
Summary: A SG-1/SGA crossover...sort off. It's a nice comedy about the Wraith and the SGC. It's my first SG fanfic and meant to be a quick and fun read. It's not my best work, but it hopefully will make you snicker a little bit.


The mountain complex has always been the sight of many unimaginable events. How it managed to survive no one knows, but one thing is certain, that it is not always a serious matter. Sometimes things happen that everyone desires to forget.

"Off world activation! Off world…wait…never mind" Walter just woke up from a nightmare involving ba'al clones invading the SGC.

"WALTER!!!" came the angry General Hammond shouting at the top of his lungs, "What in the name of all that is good does this mean?" He demanded to know as he held Walter's transfer request in his hand.

"It's um…" but before Walter could explain, Teal'c walked in.

"What's up my marble headed man!?" Teal'c asked with a ghetto tone in his voice. General Hammond looked at him and turned to Walter, "Explain, now," he demanded. But just in the nick of time, the stargate was being dialed.

"uh..um…unscheduled off world activation! And it's for real this time!" Walter said as he sighed out of relief, "Getting IDC….it's Atlantis!" he exclaimed.

"keep the iris closed," Hammond ordered.

"Man, you best be trippin'. They be our people you know," Teal'c said. General Hammoned turned his head at Teal'c whose gold tattoo was now upside down. General Jack O'neill walked in that moment yawning.

"uh…Hammond….sir….why is the iris closed?" Jack asked.

"Oh fine! Walter Open the Iris!" Hammond ordered. The Iris was opened and Ronan stepped through the gate with the rest of Sheppard's team and Dr. Weir. and Keller.

They all find themselves in the briefing room with the rest of SG-1. Daniel got up and asked a question, "Wait…let me get this strait, the Wraith want to sign a peace treaty and agree to feed on priors and clones?" he asked.

"Yes, that's exactly what we just said good sir," Rodney kindly spoke. Then he noticed Teal'c's tattoo change from gold to normal black. "May I ask how you did that?" Rodney inquired.

"Did what?" Teal'c answered. His tattoo changed again in a blink of an from black to gold, but vertically.

"That! You just did it again! You are changing your tattoo randomly," Rodney said.

"I believe that you are not maintaining proper continuity with your body art the designates the Goa'uld that you were subservient to in the past. It seems that the exact characteristics of your facial marking constantly change," Carter babbled.

"I don't know about ya'll. But I don't know what you're talking about" Teal'c responded in a Texan accent.

Later that day SG-1 and Sheppard's teams were waiting in the gate room.

"Yo man, Weir and John are still like not here," Ronan pointed out the obvious.

"Well I'll say, they are must certainly not very punctual," Teal'c responded in a posh British accent, "Where on earth could they possibly be?"

Just then Weir and Sheppard stubled out of the gate room's closet with their hair and cloths all messed up.

"John Sheppard! how could you!!??" Teyla yelled as her heart was broken and ran off.

"The alien has emotions…who knew?" Jack said.

Just then the Stargate opened and the Wraith walked through it. The first one was a Female, the Wraith Queen. She had the usual long white dress that all Queens seemed to have on. Behind her came three Male Wraith. Hammond moved up to greet them with his mouth open and nearly drooling at the Queen.

"I uh……uh….." he could not speak.

"Hello handsome," Sam Carter spoke to one of the male Wraith.

The Wraith Queen then walked closer to Hammond and grabbed his hands. "May we kiss, and not eat, your hand?" She said in a Hathor like voice. Hammond decided to be bold and just grabbed her and placed a huge kiss on her mouth!

"Wow! General!! Dude! that's like totally not cool!" Teal'c said in a lay back Californian accent with his tattoo missing.

"Did you not just have a tattoo on your on your forehead?" one of the male wriath asked.

"The better question is why did you want us to meet?" Dr. Weir asked hoping to get into business. The Queen managed to pry Hammond off and said, "We came here to offer you a peace…we did not come here to seduce all the humans into being our worshippers knowing that you all secretly have the hots for us."

"That sounds very convincing man, I'm like all for peace and love and stuff," Ronan said without a doubt in his mind about the Queen's intention.

"Anyone else here think this is odd? I mean the way things are going?" Daniel asked suspicious of the whole situation, but he was ignored. Sam was too busy clinging on to one of the male wraiths, Teyla was crying in the corner, John was smitten by Weir and she was smitten by the one of the other Male Wraith. Jack and Teal'c allowed the Queen to kiss their hands despite Daniel's protests.

Later that day Daniel showed up at the Queen's guest room where he was shocked to find the guards dressed as cabana boys. He was allowed inside only to find the Queen in a lounge chair while Teal'c, who was half naked, fanned her and General Hammond fed her grapes.

"General….what are you doing?" he asked as the Queen got up.

"I'm treating her the way a goddess should be treated. The Wraith are gods after all," Hammond answered. A confused Daniel over what he heard and saw.

"We have been expecting you, our love," she said as she placed her arms on his shoulders. Daniel held his breath; he knew what would happen. He remembered the whole Hathor incident.

"You have to breathe at some point you know," she said, but Daniel nodded and continued to hold his breath. She pinned him against the wall.

"You'll die if you don't breath," she continued to pressure him, but he just shrugged and continued to hold his breath.

"Fine, if you won't breathe, then we will have to feed on you and then try this on Jonas Quin," She threatened.

But before she had a chance to slam her feeding hand on Daniel, a hoard of Daniel fans and Jonas haters tackled the Queen. Daniel sighed and breathed deeply in relief.

Things were never the same since…Hammond decided to retire and lived out his life at Jack's cabin, Jack did not approve. Teal'c went on to form a Magic show and was known as "The dude with the changing Tattoo." Dr. Carter was sent to prison for killing all her boyfriends, she claimed innocence and that she was not a serial killer. The SGA team returned to Atlantis for movie night, they were showing "The Titanic." Walter managed to get his transfer to Icarus base, but unfortunately it was attacked by magic Ha'tak Motherships and that was the end of that.

Though one question remained…what happened to the Male wraith? No one knows, but for some reason Dr. Weir started to claim that she had some "Beastie" boys in her basement…

THE END.


End file.
